19. Self-talk (Internal Dialogue)

Our internal dialogue has a major impact on how we think, feel, and behave and some of us are very well versed in negative self-talk, telling ourselves things like, “I knew I should not have done xxx”,

“I always make a mess of things.”,

“It’s alright for them, they have all the luck.”,

“Why bother, I will only mess up again.”

This sort of negative internal dialogue permeates every cell, will impact on our behaviour and often sabotages our efforts and successes in life.

However, people with a greater level of confidence and self-reliance have a different way of talking to themselves, they will often be very focused on the task at hand and will have an underpinning belief system that they can and will cope with anything that happens.

But by installing new ways of thinking about who you are and what you want to achieve in life you too can make your internal dialogue work for, rather than against you.  Developing a new relationship with yourself and supporting yourself with positive self-talk becoming emotionally invested in the new routines and habits that become easier to execute and to sustain over time.

Positive affirmations or personal mantras are sometimes used in an attempt to reprogram the mind, replacing negative beliefs with affirming, positive beliefs.  However, when people repeat affirmations that they do not truly believe research has shown that the mind rejects them, becomes more resistant and more stressed as a result.  However, affirmations that fit with what we believe to be true already, or that we believe could be true can have a positive effect.  An unrealistic affirmation like, “I am confident in every way”, could be more effectively replaced with, “I am working toward becoming more confident.”  And list the ways (the evidence) in which you are becoming more confident as separate affirmations.

Often we are so well practiced at negative self-talk that we don’t even notice we are doing it.

Begin to notice. 

Pause and become an interested, non-judgemental observer about what it is telling you.

Cognitive distortions arise when our thoughts misrepresent what actually occurred and the distortion, rather than the situation, is what is effecting our feelings.  “Am I telling myself that everything is bad because one bad thing happened?”

Observe the tone of your internal dialogue.

Begin to adopt the tone that someone who loved and liked you might use.

Speak calmly and compassionately to yourself, even when you hit a setback.

Notice if your internal dialogue is focussing on “what went wrong” and ask yourself, “What did I learn from the experience?  What I could do differently next time?” and “What did I do / have I done / am doing / will do well?”

Notice if your internal dialogue is focused on the past, “what might have been” or the future, “what might happen” and explore instead – what’s happening now.

Mindfulness may be described as an attitude of curiosity, openness and acceptance. Being open to your actual experience, free of preconceptions and without being distracted by your reactions to it, closely associated with meditation or “falling awake”.  Focussing on the movement of breath into and out of our body, involving just enough bodily movement to keep us interested, or by repeating a silent phrase (mantra), or by being guided with verbal instructions from a teacher or an audio track, many are available on-line and as apps.  The 7 – 11 breathing technique described previously can assist in mindfulness too.

Consider interrupting negative thoughts with Thought Stopping.  As soon as you notice a negative thought starting firmly say, “STOP!” and imagine a red traffic light.  Clear your mind of the negative thought (and / or image) and replace it with a positive one of your choice.  I have clients and friends for whom thought-stopping has been very effective and others, myself included, for whom it is less effective.

If it’s not for you here’s a different approach for you to consider.

My time with my horses is very precious to me and I don’t want that time being interrupted by others. I have learned and developed strategies to ensure that doesn’t happen.  My yard is also my home, but my human family know that my time with my horse family should not be interrupted with human family “stuff” – unless there’s an emergency.  I ensure that I make time for my family and separate time for my horses.  For me, but not necessarily for you, the two don’t mix well.

I happily share my yard with other horse owners too.  It is necessary to do so in order to be viable financially and I enjoy time with and assisting others – it’s what I do and it’s a large part of who I am.  But when I’m with my horses I’m not “coach” and I ensure that my schedule and yard design allows me the time and opportunity to enjoy and focus on both – but not at the same time.  I appreciate that, for some readers, time with your horse might also be time that you choose to socialise with people too and if that’s your preference keep doing it and enjoying it.

Most especially though, I do not want to be interrupted by my own negative and distracting internal dialogue when I’m with my horse.  If I notice that this happening I tell myself, “We will have this conversation later.”  Then, at a more appropriate time and when I have the brain-space, I will make a choice as to whether I ignore, reframe positively, or address the issues my inner-voice raised.  In so doing I am better able to deal with the issues that need addressing and better able to get perspective on those that don’t really matter, and I intrude less often on the time I spend with my horses.

This is also a strategy I use if another person, whether well intentioned or otherwise, intrudes on important actives at an inopportune moment.  “Thank you for your comment / question, we will discuss this later.”  Then depending on who they are (are they important to me?) and, importantly whether or not their question or comment was interesting and / or challenging (which I enjoy) I will choose whether or not that conversation takes place.

I have learned that comments or questions at the “wrong time” not only mean I may lose my focus on the task at hand but that I might also miss out on (delete) some really important, thought-provoking information.

Next time – Recurring Patterns / Problems in Life